HE DON'T LIKE LIL JON

robots are c*nts.

whoops, took that literally! -siri

then EISNER came along

bye.

LiSTENING TO GARTH BROOKS ALONE.

Hey! What's up?! It's Tinderella. I'm drinking vodka and listening to "I Got Friends in Low Places" on repeat by myself. life is great. My neighbor is in the hospital unfortunately, but now I can play Garth Brooks without her banging on the wall.

i haven't blogged in a while but this is my life via Tinder. The dates are of of order, but literally nothing has happened so for all intents and purposes here we go:


EDDIE was forgetful.

Paul moved out a day after I sent that.*

then i met LEANDRO from BRAZIL

Boring BYEEE


Sometimes I give compliments that I don't even know are compliments.

But seriously. Look at it.

* i don't have a roommate named paul, though.

Someone get me Chris Harrison ASAP. I can't do this alone.

Ok so thank you for reading this. I love hearing how y'all read it and this is kind of like "The Bachelor." You're all on this journey with me, but I won't back out like that dirtbag Juan Pablo. Got mah rosesss ready: 

DAN

I'm not sure if I'm this awkward in real life, but this is our conversation. Just for context--he had a picture of him swinging a golf club. 

JOEY

Someone doesn't like dad jokes.....

SHAWN

So look at this hot man. 

SERIOUSLY. I AM AN IDIOT. In what world would a person answer that? And I clearly remember being in bed giggling for like 5 minutes because I thought that was so clever. Thanksssss, bottle(s) of wine. 

SPENCER

Here's the thing. It is a really good rhyme. I just wasn't feeling his pics. I know that's mean, just don't judge Tinderella. 

EYYUP

Yes, Eyyup. Not sure if this is a compliment or insult: 

GAVIN

Heh. Heh. Hehheheheheh. Heh. 

Yours Truly,

Tinderella

all dressed up and no one will talk to me.

I decided to re-activate my Tinder account because I love Tinder and just can't get away from my dream of finding love online.

Not everyone else was as excited as I was that I was back on Tinder. 

JOE, 36

He rides elephants.

Fine dining and exotic vacations? Sign me up!

i hate elephants and you are unworthy of my love. 

WILL

I don't even know why I ask questions any more.  

moving on....

CLAY

#artsybiotch

Ohhhh OK then. I was about to give you a compliment but whatevs, I won't. 

GAVIN

HERSH

Imma gonna set up a Robin Thicke reference a la "Blurred Lines"

He def did not want it...

Until next time,

T

I'm ready for internet love.

xoxo,

t

i'm tinderella, so YOLO

JACK

is his name, so I thought I would have a clever open because I'm *cute and quirky* like Zooey!!!!

NATE

Messed up this intro pretty hard.

wow so i'm a huge spaz.

TOM

I only swipe guys who I would actually meet IRL. As much as I joke around with these Tinder men, I am serious about finding my man on here.

But I love dogs. Look at that little pooch! Woof! Woof!

anyway...

RONALD

Backstory: I LOVE MCDONALDS so much. I get this chick's frustration and if she were to pop up on tinder, I would swipe left and buy her some McD's. 

OK so when I see a man named RONALD guess what happens? 

#noanswer #obv #datsme

MATTHEW

I don't know why I was mean to Matthew, he looked really nice and cute. Hope he likes bitches.  

I'm guessing he's NOT into bitches because he had no reply. 

JAMES

Like honestly, if a guy messaged me this, I would prob. take off my location settings and report him to the police. But I'm Tinderella, so YOLO

 SAM

Mmm ya he's a DJ.

yea... 

MICHAEL

We could have been so perfect together. I love preppy white boy rappers. 

love always,

Tinderella 

my aunt joanne is a b_tch.

DYLAN
is super cute. 

That's why I message him at 3:24 am...

bald grampa emoji? #oops #blackout #awkward #neverresponding

PATRICK

Patrick thinks I'm tweaking on meth right now. 

Cool well I was home for Thanksgiving too but he never asked. 

JOHN

10:15pm I'm feeling frisky. super smooth. I'm going with the one word approach with this man. 

That did not go as I planned. 

BLAKE

Mullet Blake, sadsiesss no answer. 

BEN #1

Ben hasn't been active on tinder in a month. Must be nice to have a life #amiright

I gave him 20 days and then I followed up with a knee slapper.

No answer. 

BEN #2

Gonna go with the strategy of asking questions about common interests because I love aliens too. 

  

I'm still thinking of something clever.

UPDATE: GREG

Greg is the only one who talks to me for more than one day. 

my middle name is not Joanne and I don't have aunt joanne so this is not off to a good start

Love always, 

Tinderella